How to Overcome Your Fear of External Judgement: Be Indifferent to What People Will Think of You

The other day, I received an email from an aspiring writer who confessed that he’s been procrastinating from publishing his articles online because of his outright fear of what others might think of his work.

Have you ever felt this way? Where the entirety of you is pulling you toward creating something you love, but your worry for what others will think of you is holding you back from taking that action?

I’ve felt this way before, and sometimes, I still do.

Two years ago, when I quit my job to start my own business, my primary worry was that if I were to fail, what would my former colleagues think of me? I would look like a total fool, I thought. And exactly a year ago, when I began to write and publish my work on this blog, I worried that my friends and family wouldn’t take me seriously.

But it only took me a little while to realize this: Whether the business succeeds or not, and regardless of how my articles perform or what people think of them, I already won.

I won because I did it. I won because I made a move in spite of this fear. I won because I taught myself how to become indifferent to what people think of me and the outcome of my work.

But of course, had I not tamed that fear, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And you wouldn't be reading these words today. So let me ask you this:

How often does the fear of what other people think stop you from doing something you know you must do?

Truth is, the fear of external judgment and what other people think of us is one that halts us in our tracks and stops us from fully being ourselves. That fear is like a cage. As you continue to be confined by it, you will continue to resign yourself to living within its restricted walls. It will keep you trapped and you’ll carry on playing safe, both of which will inhibit you from reaching your full potential in life.

Years later, you’ll look back and wonder, why have I lived a half-life?

And to that I say, it’s not worth it.

To that, I say, rattle the damn cage and break it open.

Tear it down and reclaim your freedom. Learn how to be indifferent to that fear because that’s the only way you will be able to escape the confines of the prison you’ve constructed for yourself.

So let’s take a moment to explore why you’re afraid of being judged before we dive into how you can overcome this irrational fear that’s holding you back.

The Psychology Behind Why You’re Afraid of Being Judged

Homo Sapiens are social animals. Since the root of our very existence, we’ve had an innate need for belonging. Hence we’ve been raised in tribes and collective communities. In fact, in social psychology, this emotional need for community and group acceptance is called “belongingness.”

(I’m not sure why they don’t have a more scientific name for it either).

And according to research, the need to belong “is so basic to human behavior that the first premise of virtually every theory of social or cultural behavior could be that people have a pervasive drive to form and maintain at least a minimum quantity of lasting, positive, and significant interpersonal relationships.”

We have a need to belong and to be accepted so we can build on and maintain positive relationships. Perhaps that’s why we find it so challenging to step out of the norm and pave our own path—because the act of doing so risks rejection.

But maybe there’s more to it than that?

Maybe our fears of being judged or rejected are rooted in a much greater and catastrophic form of fear: The fear that we’re not good enough.

We fear that we’ll fail in our business venture because we think we’re not good enough. We fear that we’ll be abandoned by our partner and lose our relationship because we think we’re not good enough. We fear we’ll be criticized and rejected because we think we’re not good enough.

And why is that the case?

Maybe it’s because we’ve been conditioned to think this way by the bombardment of advertising narratives we’ve grown accustomed to. Narratives that constantly remind us of what we’re missing in our daily lives.

You’re not thin enough, so here’s a cleansing juice for you. You’re not rich enough, so here’s a financial investment plan for you. You’re not cool enough, that’s why you need this $50,000 sportscar. And you’re not pretty enough, but don’t worry, this makeup kit will make men fall in love with you.

We’re constantly reminded that we’re not enough.

So let me take this moment to remind you of the truth: You are enough.

You’re also a badass with a bottomless well of ideas. You just forgot that you are because of all the false and fearful self-limiting beliefs that you’ve been fed and you continue to cling to. Shed them off, they don’t define you.

But Are Other People Even Thinking About You?

The funny thing is that people aren’t even thinking about you. Because the people who you think are thinking about you are too busy worrying about what other people are thinking about them!

Read that line again.

And just as how you spend almost all of your time worrying about your own set of problems, so does the entire population of the world. People spend more time thinking about themselves than they do thinking about others.

I do that, and you do too—neither of us can deny it.

But why is that the case? It’s because of what psychologists refer to as our egocentric bias. It’s a type of cognitive bias in which we consider things from our own point of view way too much that it leads to a skewed pattern of thinking.

Your sly egocentric bias leads you to think that your importance is far greater than it actually is. In other words, you live, think, and act as if the entire world and everyone in it revolves around you.

That’s precisely why we worry too much about what others think of us and consistently overestimate how much, and how badly, others think about our actions and failures. Several studies in psychological research back this up.

So when you accept that people have their own problems to worry about and that most of them aren’t even paying much attention to you—at least not more than a moment’s admiration or judgment—you naturally transcend above your irrational fears and worries.

Isn’t that liberating?

Learn How to Become Indifferent to What Other People Think

At the core of it though, the way to boosting your immunity against the fear of external judgment begins with learning how to be indifferent to what other people think. It’s a skill that takes time and conscious practice, but once you truly embody that indifference, you will perceive the world in a far more empowering light.

And it circles back to the idea mentioned above:

That when you know you are enough, then no one—absolutely no one—can shatter your inner confidence in yourself. No one, no matter what they say, think, or do, will be able to stop you from fully being you.

When you lead a life of indifference, you will unearth the realization that you are solely responsible for what you say and do and not what others say or do. You’re not responsible for the reactions of other people, or for whether or not they accept or freak out about what you say and do.

So why let their opinions, which make no difference, clench any power over you?

Being indifferent will also surface another realization: That what other people think about you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

That’s because people tend to project their own fears and insecurities onto others. That’s why someone who’s been hurt has the tendency to hurt others. Because people often behave in the only way they know how to. Until they make the unconscious conscious and open that wound to try and heal it, sabotage will continue to be their default choice of armor.

With these two realizations, you now arrive at a crossroads: You can either choose to take things personally, and thus accept the transfer of another person’s emotional garbage and make it your own, or you can choose not to take things personally, which renders you immune to the negative opinions and actions of others and thus won't make you the victim of needless suffering.

I hope you choose to walk the path of the latter.

I hope you start reminding yourself that just as how your opinions of others have nothing to do with them and everything to do with your values, ideals, beliefs, and perceptions, the opinions of others have nothing to do with you either.

Live Fearlessly, Live Fully, and Care More About Your Craft Than The Opinions of People You Don’t Even Know

When we design a life that’s contingent upon other people’s opinions of us, we knight their perspectives and place them on a pedestal above ours. We start tailoring the fabric of our daily life to fit the expectations of others. And we become dependent on a source outside of ourselves for identity validation.

That’s not a way to live.

I’d rather you rattle that cage and crush it.

I’d rather you live fearlessly and fully.

That of course doesn’t mean that you’ll escape external judgment and scrutiny, you will merely rise above it. But it does mean that you will live more authentically. It does mean that you won’t let other people’s impressions of you translate into how you perceive yourself and your own self-worth.

Truth is, whether you do good or bad, there will always be people who will judge you. That’s just the way life is. All you can do is give it your best, focus on what you can control, and ignore whoever makes you feel less worthy of who you are.

It reminds me of what Elif Shafak wrote in The Forty Rules of Love:

“It was always like this. When you spoke the truth, they hated you. The more you talked about love, the more they hated you. ”

Speak the truth or talk about love, either way, people will judge you. So at the end of the day, you’ve got to care more about pursuing your own craft and loving yourself than the opinions of people you don’t even know. At the end of the day, you've got to be indifferent to what makes no difference. 

As per the words of the great Stoic, Marcus Aurelius:

“To live a good life: We have the potential for it. If we can learn to be indifferent to what makes no difference.”

Stay indifferent, and whatever happens, always remember:

You are enough.