How to Find Out What You Actually Want (Not What You Think You Want)
There’s a story about a young fisherman and his lust for freedom, wealth, and power that will change the way you think.
One day, while sitting at the helm of his fishing boat and ruminating on his envy of the rich merchant who buys his catch, a big and mighty ship sailed across the sea. The fisherman looked up and thought, ‘how wonderful it would be to have such power, wealth, and freedom like the captain of that ship.’
To his amazement, an angel instantly appeared and granted him his wish.
He was sound and happy to become the captain and owner and exercise his superiority on his crew, but one day, his ship arrived at a massive island that was owned by a king. ‘Now that’s what I truly want’, thought the young fisherman, ‘to ascend to the heights of a king.’
The angel listened and another wish, she granted.
And once again, he was sound and happy to become what he wanted, the king of an entire island, reigning over its people, until one day, he grew weary of his duty.
He rose one sunrise to step out onto his terrace and look across the distance. His gaze landed on a small fishing boat. In it sat a man, in silence and solitude.
‘What freedom, power, and wealth does this man have’ thought the king, ‘the freedom to roam at his will, the power to be fully still, and the wealth of goodwill that grows with him crafting his skill.’
Too often in life, we cast our gaze outward, searching for the next big thing that will make us happy. We do things. We chase things. We try. But do you ever stop to ask yourself this question:
“Is this what I actually want?”
Is this what you think you want?
Or is this what you actually want?
Take a moment to reflect on the goals you’re working on, the lifestyle you’re consciously pursuing, and ask yourself the question above.
Now, you might ask: But how am I supposed to know the difference?
That’s a fair question. There’s just too much noise around us, it’s incredibly easy to drown right in it.
A few years ago, in the first week of studying toward my Master’s Degree in International Business, there was a day when the dean walked into our lecture room to ask a simple question. He wanted each of us to introduce ourselves and share what career path we were planning on pursuing upon graduation.
To this day, I remember the results because I tallied them: 60% of the class wanted to go into management consulting, 30% of the class wanted to go into investment banking, and the rest had their own unique ideas to share.
I said I wanted to become a management consultant.
Was that what I actually wanted? No. That was what I thought I had wanted, and it was rooted in what the world around me was telling me I should become.
How to Find Out What You Actually Want
I know what your thinking right now:
“Cool story. So how do I find out what it is I actually want?”
There’s no easy answer to this question—but there is a way.
It’s a continuous process of trial and error. You lean into your curiosity, you walk the path, and you learn from your experience. The answer to what you actually want reveals itself to you as you work toward what it is you think you want.
I spent the majority of my teen years thinking that what I wanted to do with my time on earth was to become a CEO of a multinational firm until I joined a corporate conglomerate and realized: That’s not what I want.
A few years later, I spent the majority of my time at Google dreaming of becoming an entrepreneur with the next big startup, until I launched my own company and realized: That’s not what I actually want.
It is only through doing that you learn what you truly want. It’s only through doing that you find the clarity that you’re so desperately searching for. It’s only through the process of working toward what you think you want that you recognize what you actually want.
Why?
Because there are two fundamental elements to every journey: action and reflection. Action breeds clarity and reflection breeds certainty. The experience that you gain from the motion of action and constant reflection gifts you with clarity on “the what” and certainty on “the definitely not.”
As Randy Pausch, wrote in The Last Lecture: “Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.”
It’s those two elements working together that help you discern what it is you actually want. Think about it: When you lean into what makes you curious and take action toward it, you gain experience. And when you reflect on your choices and actions, you raise your awareness, which will reveal to you the truth: If you’re not enjoying the journey you’re on, then that’s how you know that what you’re pursuing isn’t what you want, and if you are, then, by all means, carry on with “it.”
What You Don’t Realize Just Yet
Perhaps I haven’t given you the answer you were looking for. But then again, I’m writing this piece not to give you the answers, because frankly, I don’t have them. I’m writing this piece to entice you to look inward and ask the hard questions because it’s the act of asking that begins the journey of unraveling the answers.
Action and reflection is the natural course. Walk the path, and in time, the answers will bloom.
As you journey, however, you must do two things.
First, you must be in awe.
Be in awe of all that already is. Be in awe of the vastness of the sky and the energy of the sea. Be in awe of this gift that is life. Of this voyage of self-discovery and creation. Being in awe will keep you present, alive in the moment, and this awareness will lead you to the signs—which brings us to the second thing you must do: With all your courage, follow those signs.
“In order to find the treasure, you will have to follow the omens… Learn to recognize omens, and follow them.”—Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
As I reflect on the previous decade, I realize how my impatience and my inability to be fully present blinded me from recognizing the omens that called my name. Just like the fisherman, I failed to realize that what I truly wanted, was already there, right underneath me.
It was found in the ink of my pen that quenched the emptiness of my journal. In the tales I had scripted and the narratives I enthusiastically told: Words written, words spoken. Stories to help people transform.
But of course, I was not in awe, and thus I could not see. Just like the fisherman, I was searching with my eyes, not seeking through my heart… As per the words of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”