How to Heal The Past and Let it Go in Four Easy Steps
Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash.com
There’s a story of a young man from a small village who dreams of becoming a great chef in the big city.
One day he decides to run away from home so he could boldly follow that dream. And so he journeys. He swims across murky rivers, marches through green pastures, and travels miles to an end. He goes and goes until one morning when the sun rises to find him completely lost.
Broke, hungry, and lonely, he dwelled. And on the streets, he waited. He waited for a sign. For a voice. For hope. For something—anything. He waited and waited until one day an old man approached him and said:
“If you’re hungry for more, go up and look around. Why do you wait and moan?”
The young man raised his head. A stream of teary saltwater dripped down his face. In a low and sad voice, he murmured: “I just lost my family and friends, probably forever.”
The old man smiled. He mustered all the enthusiasm he could call on and replied: “If you focus on what you’ve left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead.”
He paused for a moment, perhaps to let his words sink in.
And then he said: “Now go up and look around!”
Those were the words exchanged between Remy, the rat, and his idol Chef Gusteau, the characters from Disney’s Ratatouille. (If you haven’t seen the movie you should—it’s one of Pixar’s best). And while we aren’t going to compare our reality to a fictional animated story, I really do love that quote:
“If you focus on what you’ve left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead.”
Here’s why:
We hold on to so much in life.
We hold on to memories and emotions — good and bad. We hold on to grudges even though they serve us no good. We hold on to what we don’t want instead of freeing our thoughts to focus on what we do want.
But if there’s one thing that many don’t know how to let go of it’s this:
The Past.
The constant rumination on what once was.
But holding on to the past is nothing more than is a form of self-sabotage. Because if you continue to hold on to it—if you focus on what you’ve left behind—you won’t allow yourself the freedom to see what lies ahead.
And just as how you cannot create a better present by hoping for a better future, you certainly cannot create a better future by hoping for a better past.
Here’s the reality:
The past is done and dusted.
All that matters now is what you can learn and take away from it. Everything else needs to be let go. And so, to go back to Gusteau’s words, “if you focus on what you’ve left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead.”
To which I would add: If you focus on what’s holding you back, you will never be able to move to what lies ahead.
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”― André Gide
If you want to sail into the open sea, you must let go of the anchors that lock you in the harbor. If you want to discover what lies in the deep end of the sea, you must let go of the shore’s comfort. If you want to move your life forward, you must be willing to let go of what’s holding you back.
Letting go draws the wind into your sails. It liberates you.
So here’s why you must—and how you can—let go of the past.
Thinking About The Past vs. Living in The Past
Why do we hold on to so much?
Sometimes it’s the fear of moving forward into the unknown.
We want to create a sense of control in our lives and since we’re afraid of what could be and we’re familiar with the past and we find comfort in it, we stay mentally “stuck” in it as an effort to “keep things as they are.”
Sometimes it’s due to regret and subsequent wishful thinking.
Other times, it’s to distract us from the present. If we’re in an unhealthy relationship, we might spend a lot of time reliving a previous one.
Whatever the case may be, it’s okay to occasionally think about the past, but it’s not okay to constantly live in it.
Once you fall into the trap of living your past, it wins its power over you and you become restricted by it.
But here’s the magic that can happen when you let go of its power over you:
You’ll be able to enjoy the present. If your mind is always stuck in the past, you won’t be able to experience the joys of today. But once you let go of it, you’ll be able to live a more mindful, joyful life.
You’ll be able to think more clearly and plan for the future. Once you move on, you’re free to wander and create. You’ve dropped the anchor. Now the question is, where would you like to sail to?
You’ll be able to feel better—emotionally and physically. According to a study by the University of Ohio, researchers discovered that when study participants were asked to ruminate on a stressful incident, the constant rumination about the negative events of the past conjured up negative emotions and increased inflammation in the body. Increased inflammation increases the risk of heart disease, cancer, and dementia.
So, in short, letting go of the past will help you live healthier, happier, and more focused.
It’s a win, win, win.
A Four-Step Process You Can Follow to Heal The Past and Let it Go
Here are four steps that explain how you can let go of the past.
1. Accept it.
In her book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, psychotherapist Amy Morin writes:
“Refusing to dwell on the past doesn’t mean the past didn’t happen. In fact, it often means embracing and accepting your experiences so you can live in the present. Doing so frees up your mental energy and allows you to plan your future based on who you want to become, not who you used to be.”
Letting go begins with first facing and accepting what once was.
Acceptance is about acknowledging the pain and being willing to see it through. It’s about understanding that while you cannot change what happened, you can choose to accept it.
2. Look for the lessons.
Once you accept what happened, focus on what you can learn from it.
Think about how you may be a changed person because of it.
Think of how you’ve grown in spite of your past.
Look for the lessons.
And then, write them down.
According to a study by the University of California, researchers concluded that:
“Participants who processed a negative experience through writing or talking reported improved life satisfaction and enhanced mental and physical health relative to those who merely thought about it.”
Your past can be your greatest teacher because some of the best lessons can be learned from our most troubling experiences. Look for these lessons and write them down so you can always remember them.
3. Associate new emotions with it.
In his book Rewire Your Brain, neuroscientist John Arden explains how you can modify your memories each time you remember them. This can be done by accessing the power of the brain’s left hemisphere and leveraging Narrative Psychology—how the stories we tell help us make sense of our experiences.
He explains:
“Your left hemisphere utilizes languages and puts your narratives in a linguistic form. Since your left hemisphere is more positive, if you maximize its ability to put a positive spin on your narratives, you cause your brain to rewire with a positive perspective. You modify your memories each time you remember them. Your left hemisphere can activate and change those memories with a positive spin.”
What he’s saying is this:
You can cultivate a positive narrative, and thus conjure up positive emotions, about what you remember.
This is powerful.
You have the ability to rewrite the story and convince your mind to believe it—to associate positive emotions with the past memories that you have preexisting negative associations with.
Once you accept them, seek out the lessons from them and write them down, now’s the time to see them in a positive light.
In other words, use words to describe how grateful you are for your past.
4. Give yourself permission to move on.
Now that you’ve accepted what once was, you’ve sought out the lessons that you can take from it and you’ve re-scripted it with positive emotional associations, give yourself permission to move on.
To let it go.
There is no more power over you.
Now, you have power over it.
Forgive yourself.
Let go of the hate or grudge, fear, or anger.
Let go of the hurt.
It does you no good.
“We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.”— Marianne Williamson
The final step is to give yourself permission to move on. That’s the only way you can move into the present and be fully here.
What Matters to You
Spanish philosopher George Santayana once said:
“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
The idea is not to forget the past. The idea is to accept the past, forgive yourself for it, and learn from it. It’s that simple.
The past can be beautiful. Memories are sentimental. Nostalgia is wonderful. But it’s crucial that we don’t let our mistakes and regrets of the past hold us back from who we can become.
So it’s encouraged to think about your past. Just make sure you don’t fall into the trap of living in it. If you are, now you know how you can liberate yourself and let go of its power over you. Always remember: “If you focus on what you’ve left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead.”